As I lay here with the sun barely peeking over the horizon and my little miracle baby sleeping soundly on my side, I find tears wetting my eyes.
God has been faithful to me again and again. There have been days it hurt to hope. It felt so foolish. And yet I clung to little pieces of it because I knew God would show up somehow.
I am reading a book called Daring to Hope by Katie Davis Majors. She is an incredible woman who moved to Uganda at the age of 19 to run a ministry and has now adopted 13 girls. She says:
“In the wounding he has changed us, renamed us. He redefined redemption and beauty for me not as a happy ending, but as His presence with me, regardless of the ending.”
I had a happy ending in mind for my infertility but as hard as I tried, it wasn’t happening. I screamed and begged God to please give it to me. My heart ached. I didn’t know I could withstand such hurt.
I can look back now and see him there with me. See the people he placed in my path at the right times. See some of the orchestrating that can only be done by God.
I stretched and grew as a person, in my relationship with him, and in my relationships with others. But there were times I couldn’t even bring myself to talk to Him. And a very wise woman and counselor told me “it’s okay. You don’t have to right now.” So I didn’t. I acknowledged He was there and I put one foot in front of the other, but I didn’t have anything to say to Him for a while. And I believe he was okay with that. He continued to love me and to put my story together.
My earthly father became less apart of my life when I turned 12. Him and my mother divorced and we moved to Colorado. I remember feeling then like my world was crumbling. Something I never imagined could happen to my family. Up until that point I’d had a good childhood. I had always felt loved, supported, and stable. I grew up going to church and learning Jesus loved me. My parents created a safe and loving home. But people have free will, the world is full of lies and mistakes, and sooner or later we all experience disappointment. I am where I am in life because of good choices and bad choices. Some my own, some from other people. Before he suddenly died at the age of 54, we did find peace in our relationship.
Pain is not enjoyable. It is something we all try desperately to avoid. However it is inevitable in a world with sin. And it’s hard to understand why things happen the way they do. Another quote from Katie’s book stood out to me.
“A faith that trusts him only when the ending is good is a fickle faith. A faith that trusts him regardless of the outcome is real.”
He doesn’t promise happy endings here on this earth. He doesn’t promise a life of material gain and success. He promises His presence with us through every joy and every loss. And the joy is so much sweeter when you know the pain of loss.